


A Cog In the Machine

by LexieCarver



Category: Supernatural
Genre: ANGST!!!!!!, F/M, sad fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 10:11:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8708482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexieCarver/pseuds/LexieCarver
Summary: Pairing: Cas x ReaderWord Count: 3,142A/N: This was written for @mamaredd123’s Mama’s First 100 Challenge with the prompts, “I want you to know the only reason you are alive is because I allowed it” and the song “Love Me Like You Do”. This was also written for @thing-you-do-with-that-thing’s SPN Movie Night Challenge with the prompt, City of Angels. Shout out to my beta @loveitsallineed. Thank you so much hun. This is a serious level of ANGST. You will cry like a mofo. Grab the Kleenex.





	

[Also posted on Tumblr-](http://roxy-davenport.tumblr.com/post/153877746786/a-cog-in-the-machine)

 

“I want you to know the only reason you are alive is because I allowed it,” Naomi screamed at Castiel.

 

He averted his eyes from Naomi taking deep breaths in and out to control his anger. He wanted to rip her head off. Of course with Naomi being his superior and stronger than he was, that might not be the best course of action.

 

“Do you even understand the gravity of your error, Castiel?” Naomi all but growled.

 

His breath was ragged, his rage surging through him.

 

“I defended you when the other angels said there was something wrong with you -- that you had come off the assembly line broken. You feel too much, Castiel. I see I was wrong to put my faith in you. You have betrayed your fellow angels. Now please tell me what were my orders exactly?”

 

Castiel’s eyes met Naomi’s with hatred in them. He was itching to grab his angel blade but that would only put you in more danger so he glared before speaking to her through gritted teeth.

 

“You told me to observe the Winchesters and the girl and report back to you. I was to find the angel tablet and bring it to you.”

 

“And what did you do instead?”

 

“I know where the angel tablet is.”

 

“But it’s not in your hand is it? Because you had to save a human woman, a hunter from … what was it? A werewolf? I gave you a direct order and you disobey to save a human? Crowley could have the angel tablet by now.”

 

“Y/N is of no consequence to this. She is no concern of yours. I will-.”

 

“You do not tell me what is of consequence to me. You report to me, Castiel. You are a soldier not a general. You do what is asked of you. I will not ask you again -”

 

“She’s my soul mate. I know she is. Every angel --.”

 

“We’re at war here, Castiel. If Crowley gets the angel tablet before we do, we’re all destroyed. I refuse to let pity ruin us! Forget the girl, Castiel, or we will all fall.”

 

Castiel growled, fighting against her hold on him. He refused to let her in to make him a slave. He pushed her powers back moving forward and slamming his hand on the desk.

 

“She’s my soul mate!”

 

Naomi was surprised. His love for this Y/N was strong, strong enough to break her hold over him even if only slightly.

 

“So be it Castiel. Go back to Y/N. What happens next is on you. When you learn your lesson you know where to find me.” Naomi waves a hand at him dismissively with disgust in her eyes.

 

 

Castiel was confused and slightly worried by her tone. What was Naomi up to?

 

“If you hurt her --,”

 

Castiel didn’t even get to finish his sentence. Without another glance his way, Naomi snapped her fingers and sent him to earth.

 

He appeared on the floor of your motel room, his coat billowing around him. You were surprised to see him but happy. His absence had worried you, especially when he told you the day before that heaven had it out for him. He never elaborated and you would never pry.

 

He saved your life in a hunt and then … boom! A bright light and he was gone. You had assumed heaven took him. It was so good to see him again. You ran to his side and helped him up hugging him. You moved your hand tentatively up to his cheek before kissing him passionately. He returned in kind. But all too soon he broke away and looked into your eyes. You saw worry there.

 

“I don’t know what happened and I don’t have to know. Whatever is happening I will be here. I’ll be by your side, loving you till the end. You and me forever.”

 

 

Castiel closed his eyes. How much he wished that could be true. He had no idea what Naomi did but he knew that eventually he would go back and do as she said. It would be the only way to keep you safe. Whatever Naomi had planned would convince him of that fact. That was how she worked, broke angels, and tore them down so they’d submit to her wisdom. He was far too strong for her mind control, which was her usual modus operandi. He opened his eyes trying desperately not to cry and to enjoy his time with you. He hugged you so fast you couldn’t see his watery eyes. He breathed you in sighing happily.

 

Castiel could feel your concern for him about what might be bothering him. He could never tell you the truth -- he couldn’t burden you like that. He quickly pulled himself together, fighting against his watery eyes and clearing his throat. He hoped his voice didn't crack when he spoke. He moved back to look into your eyes.

 

“I am sorry I have worried you, little one. It was not my intention I just came back from a meeting in Heaven that shook me a bit. I am so happy to see you.”

 

“Do you me want to --.”

 

“You don’t need to do a thing just be you. I am happy I can spend time with you.”

 

“I’m happy you’re here too.”

 

You moved to fix his tie winking at him before you pulled him closer to you, kissing him. He responded quickly closing his eyes and sighing into the kiss. He missed feeling your lips on his. His hands went behind your head and slowly pushed your head back so his tongue could go deeper into your mouth. When your lips left his your breathing was ragged. You both looked at each other hungrily when your stomach ruined the moment by making a loud growling sound. You giggled, which he loved. That sound filled him with such happiness. He could live forever just listening to that sound. It brought him such comfort and peace. He took your hand and walked across the street to the diner. He didn’t see the bike until it was too late. He could have sworn the street was empty. Where did the bike come from? The bike threw you back causing you to hit your head hard on the car behind you killing you instantly. Castiel ran over to you screaming, seeing the trail of the blood from the car to your head. His mangled scream was the last thing he remembered as he held your lifeless form. He closed his eyes and the next thing he knew he appeared in your motel room again. You were wearing the same clothes as before and you were alive.

 

He was so overjoyed that he ran into your arms kissing your breath away literally. You were the one to withdraw needing air desperately.

 

You giggled at his enthusiasm.

 

“I love you too, Castiel. So much.”

 

“What is the date today?”

 

“Um.. Monday November --“

 

“Monday? But it was Monday yesterday.”

 

“What the hell happened in Heaven?”

 

At the mention of heaven he hugged you tightly.

 

He found himself speaking. He tried to stop the words are they came out but couldn’t. What was happening?

 

“I am sorry I have worried you, little one. It was not my intention I just came back from a meeting in Heaven that shook me a bit. I am so happy to see you.”

 

“Do you me want to --.”

 

“You don’t need to do a thing just be you. I am happy I can spend time with you.”

 

“I’m happy you’re here, too.”

 

You moved to fix his tie, winking at him before you pulled him closer to you, kissing him. He responded quickly, closing his eyes and sighing into the kiss. He missed feeling your lips on his. His hands went behind your head and slowly pushed your head back so his tongue could go deeper into your mouth. When your lips left his your breathing was ragged. You both looked at each other hungrily when your stomach ruined the moment by making a loud growling sound. You giggled which he loved. That sound filled him with such happiness. He could live forever just listening to that sound. It brought him such comfort and peace. This time he told you that you had to stay inside. He refused to watch you die not again. He teleported you both to your apartment, figuring a change of scenery might help the outcome. He made love to you for hours basking in how gorgeous you looked when you came and the feel of you pulsing around him. His thrusts were slow and sensual. He entered you slowly and kept you on edge for a long time. He wanted to remember this. When you did come, you screamed his name and grabbed onto his shoulders for dear life. He hugged you back his thrusts more urgent until he too came with your name on his lips.

 

To him, you were a thing of beauty and everything you did made him love you that much more. Every action, every thought, every sound drew him in. He left for a minute to make you some food. Suddenly, the door burst open with four angry angels all holding blades. You were naked and far from your weapons bag. You screamed hugging the sheet to your frail body. You threw everything you could at them, trying to buy some time to run across the room. But there were just too many of them. You screamed for Castiel. He dropped the food and ran killing two of them. The third whirled around at him. Castiel grabbed him by the neck and slammed him into the wall killing him with his own blade. The last angel looked sick.

 

“How dare you choose a human over your brothers. You make us sick. You’re a pathetic excuse for an angel. I hope Naomi kills you.”

 

Castiel saw red and tore the angel apart. You whispered to him in a broken voice to calm down, not to become a monster because of you but he couldn’t hear a thing. His rage was all consuming. When he was done you were dead. The second his hand touched your body, the day repeated over and over again.

 

Each time he tried to save you but no matter what he changed, you always died. Sometimes right away, sometimes on a hunt, sometimes at the hands of demons. He watched you die hundreds of times. Your death lost any meaning to him. He felt his mind slipping. He accepted that he couldn’t save you and instead focused on the moments when the two of you were together. He lived a lifetime in those moments. He knew every part of you by now, every secret, every unspoken desire.

 

After the hundred and 30th time, he knew he had to stop this. He had whatever time he was able to have with you. He knew that even though he loved you, he could never be with you. He knew Naomi would never let him see you again and finally he was okay with it. He had spent every day with you, 130 days to be exact. He couldn’t bear to watch you die again. So this time he told you the truth. Hoping this would end the cycle.

 

“130 times you watched me die?”

 

“Yes, and I can’t do it again. Naomi is making a point. You’re human you can die easily. You were distracting me as she sees it and she will kill you. I would rather give you up then have you die. At least this way you’re alive in the world, saving people.”

 

“NO. I love you and--.”

 

“My love will kill you. That’s Naomi’s message -- either by her own hand or by fate’s. If you’re with me, you’re in danger. Please don’t make this any harder. I can’t watch you die again. Please don’t ask me to do that. There is no other way out of this. I either watch you die forever or do what she asks.

 

You took a shuddering breath and bowed your head. Castiel was crying as he held you in his arms. You cried, too. You knew this was the end. You would never remember him anymore. You knew he had to do this. You were done begging, done crying. You wanted a life with your soul mate but you understood, even if you wished Castiel would fight harder. You could see he didn’t have it in him anymore. He fought for as long and as hard he could. He was too broken to fight any longer. He kissed your forehead and placed on finger on it. A bright light shot out from his fingers and all your memories with him flashed before your eyes. A moment later you passed out in his arms. When you woke up, you’d think you and Castiel never got together -- that you were into him but he wasn’t into you.

 

“I know that eventually I will defeat Naomi. I have to defeat her. If it takes me a year or ten or twenty, I will try to come back to you. I hope you’ll forgive me. I hope I have the strength to hold on until then.”

 

With a heavy heart Castiel left you sleeping in the motel and arrived in the bunker. He altered Dean and Sam’s memories as well. He had to make sure everyone forgot that you and he were in a relationship. They only remembered that you liked Castiel but never did anything about it. Castiel arrived in the hallways of heaven. His soul was shattered, his heart broken. He stopped by a wall to gather his thoughts. He closed his eyes seeing you in his mind’s eye. He focused on the happy memories on your smile, your touch. The first time you both said I love you. The first time you had sex with him. You were so nervous and so was he. He took his time exploring every inch of your body. He remembered the time you tried to make Dean a pie and you ended up covered in flour having sex on the table. He remembered how you comforted him when he had to deal with angel politics. How tough and courageous you were when you saved the couple from the ghouls. You were an amazing human. He hoped that you could find someone who could love as much as he did.

 

As he walked forward he realized that he was truly alone now. He couldn’t see the Winchesters, not yet at least. They would only remind him of you. He heard Dean’s call but he couldn’t go to him. He just collapsed on the floor in tears. He was a mess and useless to anyone. The only cure was the one woman he couldn’t have.

 

You were everything to him, his reason for being. Now he didn’t care if he died. You forgot him. He had to make you forget so you’d be safe. Now you’d never know you even had a soul mate. He had no illusions. He knew that Naomi would always need him and he would always be in her employ until you died. She would never release him and he would probably never see you again. Maybe, just maybe, he could find a way to defeat her but first he’d have to find the strength to fight. All he wanted to do was cut everything off, all the feelings, and just be a soldier, a cog in the machine.

 

He cried for hours in the hallways of heaven not caring who saw him. He closed his eyes and saw the future he could have had with you. He knew it was silly to look at that now but he needed to know what he missed out on. He saw you telling him you were pregnant. You gave up the hunting life for him. He saw your beautiful children next. You lived in a big house on the beach, just you, Castiel, your two children and the family dog. You and Castiel would sit all day on the beach just holding each other and enjoying the simplicity of your life. It was a gorgeous vision and he wished it could be his life.

 

Picking himself up tears staining his cheeks he grabbed the handle to the door and locked away every emotion he had for you, Every concern, every bit of happiness and light and became what Naomi wanted all along a soldier ready to die for the cause. He had nothing left to lose. He opened the door to her office with no smile on his face. His dead eyes stared back at hers.

 

“I’m glad you finally understand. Welcome, Castiel. Now let’s get that angel tablet.”


End file.
